Now, when you read or hear these words I know that nelegligant, or otherwise deadbeat, parents come to mind, but see things from my perspective. I let my parents raise her while I pursue mySelf, my dreams and financial stability. See, her father is the deadbeat that let me raise her predominantly on my own until three years ago. She will right in July. Until then, it was Alyssa and I who calmed the storm of my daughter's mother's abandoned, abused and disfellowshipped mind. I did not know who I was or capable of until April 2017. Until then, even now, the Universe has dictated that she be in the care of a more financially capable couple while I remain single and/or neglected. Even in the confines of legal matrimony, I could not manage to raise her in a financial nor moral solitary state. I had, then, twenty six years of negativity to abandon as it had done myself.
Alyssa was my constant companion until that point. I once chose a job because she would receive eight hours of care on just the floor beneath the one on which my office was located. I once physically faught both my father and mother who felt that I didn't deserve to be in my daughter's presence when I was at odds with them while we resided in the back room of their home. They didn't understand that my first and only child, the one whom I carried until she was five days late, labored for sixteen and a half hours with, and pushed only four times to bare had nothing to do with the fact that they were programmed to hate me for leaving their extremist Christian cult. Much like their refusal to celebrate my high school graduation, they refused the celebrate the arrival of my baby with a shower. When we arrived back at their home after she was born, a spell that lasted only her first 20 months of life, I sat in front of a cake that read "Welcome Home Alyssa", as if they preferred for me to stay at the hospital. Even still, today, almost two years after realizing, cult or no cult, their decision to shun me was personal decision, I ache cardiovascularly and mentally due to her absense in my life.
I seek a life of creativity in the Golden State, the City of Angels, while she receives what I hope to be Brotherly Love in the City of just that. I miss my Lyss. I say, sing and sound and even praise the name I bestowed upon her almost eight years ago. A. L. Y. S. S. A. N. I. C. O. L. E as often as I mind the aches and pains. I refuse to forget her, to disappoint her, to fail as an example of success and spiritual advancement to her. My child, my baby, my daughter, is the sole reason I push for nothing less than Excellence. To make an international name for myself is the only principle for my dedication and persistence. I love my daughter as I love myself. And what would the world be without me, Lauren Ashley?
I miss her smell. I miss her laugh. I miss her undying need for her mother's approval. She loves her Mommy. She wants to be just like me, which, as any True parent would agree, is the scariest concept to fathom. I do not wish to pass my mistakes into my child. But I'd gladly deal with such a circumstance in the manner that most fits her wholeness as 2/3 of the Universe in order to have her with me. Even as a currently homeless woman, sleeping in a tent in a strange city, I'd have her with me. The Universe knows I'd transfer our residency the best I could for her to attend school with pressed clothes, a packed lunch and a Mommy present every day at the bus stop with her. I miss my baby.
Although I don't know when this madness of this current place in my life will resemble Peace enough for her to be included, I dream of her, waking and resting, My Alyssa. I know she needs and misses her Mommy. We will be here together one day soon for certain. I just wish I didn't need to leave my Daughter.
No comments:
Post a Comment